I'm scared...

I don't want this to kill me. I hope I get into treatment no problems. This week will be life changing.

Here I go again

I officially withdrew from school...

It was really hard to do, but I need help to get better, I don't think I am ready to die yet.

I was denied from one treatment center because they were only taking anorexic girls at that time (bullshit).

I am going back to the same place I went in November. I cant believe how much worse I am now. Then I was purging 3 times a week, and restricting pretty frequently, still a happy girl.

NOW, I am miserable, scared of eating in front of people, purging about 8 times a day, bingeing about 4 times a week, and having massive anxiety attacks.

I don't know what they are going to say when I go back for evaluation. Last time I went back they were kinda made because  back in November I pulled out of treatment and quit. This time are they going to take me seriously? Will they even take me back? I am so desperate and I feel like I am screaming and everyone is walking by me like they cant hear a single thing. I am really going to have to prove my case. I hate having to convince people I am mentally ill, it disgusts me. I wish there was just a blood test for it that would just come "yep, she is in fact insane" that would make it a hell of a lot easier. Instead I am stuck going into every intimate corner of my mind with a stranger and pleading that they will lock me up in there asylum with the other girls who are terrified of food and what it does to them mentally and physically.

I hope the don't make me plead. I hope they take me the way I am and I don't get more sick again. I can't take anymore, this has officially destroyed my life.

Heres a beautiful song :

I just want to be perfect...

My life is moving in a downward spiral. I am barely even losing weight. I have lost all my goals in life and nothing else matters; I just want to be thin. 

The behaviors get me through the day, the thoughts keep the bad stuff away. I am completely consumed by this. 

On that note, I guess I am dropping out or school for now and I am going to get treatment. I am looking at 2 places and I hope my insurance will cover one of them. I am so worried I will be stuck like this forever. 

Treatment?

My therapist told me today to go to treatment ASAP. She wants me in one for like 6 months, but I dont think insurance would cover that...
I might try the 4-6 week program again...
I really want to stop b/p, but I only want to learn to prefect my restricting.
I think she is most disturb about my thoughts and not my actions.


I think I want to go, but I just started school again and I paid for classes and Ill lose that money. I hope my parents take this seriously and realize my life is more important.

I feel upset... Im going to go purge

Bye

Its a new day...i guess

I lost that extra pound, so I am back down to 291.5. yay?? (not so much)
I don't really know what to say. I am sick of food and eating and bingeing and purging and failing at restricting and life in general.

Ok thats all for now...

Stats:
hw:305
lw:145
yw:292.5
cw:291.5

Food log:
30 tortilinis:290

YIKES

My heart is racing so fast when I try and purge lately, its making me nervous...

Seriously....

I fucking gained a pound and a half?!?! I can't believe this! Oh wait actually I can, I am just upset. I keep restricting all day, then at night I start to eat to much. Not quite binging, bu eating enough to ruin my restriction. I had pasta and frosting last night and I couldn't purge. My parents were home and I got to nervous, and now
look! Up 1.5 disgusting pounds :(

Well I guess today is a new day and I can start over, but it's the first week and I already keep messing up. God I have no self control! That is why I am doing this. Yes, I want to be thin, but I really want to show myself that I have self control and will power and I don't need food to survive. I know it's messed up, but I never said I was normal.

Now I am going to try and survive the day on 3 granola bars. Shouldn't be so bad.

Stats:
hw:305
lw:145
yw:291
cw:292.5 killllll meeeee
gw1:199
ugw:115

food log:
1 brownie granola bar:120

"I have become increasingly overwhelmed, but not discouraged...feeling well but lacking courage..."

So after that less than desirable day that was yesterday I got on the scale this morning and I actually lost a pound. Good, I am glad that I didn't gain anything after that binge, but it kinda just proved that purging works. Too bad because I really hate doing it, but I also REALLY hate being fat. I have to weigh my options and determine which one is worse. Its sad that a lot of the time I would pick the life threatening option just to be thin. I am sure people would read this and be like JUST GO DIET AND EXERCISE like everyone else does! Its much more complicated then that though, I have this siren that goes off in my brain and it feels like I HAVE to binge, or I HAVE to purge, or I HAVE to restrict, or I HAVE to go weigh myself for the 10th time, etc. It is an overwhelming anxiety and if I don't give in then I will have a full blown panic attack.

Stats:
HW:305
YW:292
CW:291
GW1:199
UGW:115

Food Log:
weight watchers english muffin:100
weight watchers ice cream:130
turkey burger:170
fat free cheese:25

total:425

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

Silence

There’s a screaming in her head “get it out, get it out”.

She is gasping for breathe “I let myself down, I let myself down”

She is full of regrets “I have ruined myself, I have ruined myself”

She folds into herself, digs for the culprit, and washes it out.

Silence.

She has succumb to her thoughts, though poisoned by ed, and regrets to inform herself of what she could have just did. 

Was it worth it in  the end? Was she worth it in the end? Hopefully she’ll know one day or end up like the rest…

I failed myself

I binged, I was so stressed about eating too much, I just quit and I ate 4 cookies. I am trying to purge but Im scared I'm gunna tear my esophagus or something and it wont come out!!!!

worst decision ever, if i gain weight tomorrow I am seriously gunna freak.

WHOOPS!

I was reading the information on the popcorn bag wrong, i thought it was 50 cal, but is 300! AHHH! gotta make up for that the rest of the day...

Food log:
Light Popcorn:300 (WHOOPS!)
Jello Mousse:60
turkey burger:170
Fat free cheese:25
total:555

Ignorance is your new best friend...

WARNING: MINI RANT:

SO, I feel like there are so many people, especially kids my age, who just don't know how to handle this disorder. I guess I don't blame them, I don' know how to handle it too well either, but please at least go get educated about it before you start pointing your little finger at me. They think I can just stop what I am doing and call it a day, but I CAN'T. Especially when I am this size, I have no reason to stop trying to take drastic measures to lose the weight. NOW I understand the whole "why can't you just do it the healthy way", well to me I am being pretty safe about it. I am eating WAAAAY to much, almost 1000 cal a day right now, and I don't take diet pills or lax. I say BRAVO, even though I'm currently beyond disgusted with myself for being this size. I guess I understand some peoples concern, like the people who actually want to help (I can tell who my real friends are, and gosh I am surprised at some people for being jerks). I  know the purging is bad and stuff, but right now I can't help it, and I don't really want to help it, I'm sorry...

Anyway... I lost only 1 measly pound today. I was hoping for more because I just started and I usually see a drastic drop in the beginning, but I'll take it. 

Stats:

HW:305

YW:293

CW:292

GW:115

I really hope I am 199 by Summer, but that is going to be insane to try to reach. I need to hit the gym to see that kind of progress.

So much for a purge free month

I just purged because I feel way too full and really sick and it barely helped. I know I already digested too much :(

I told my mom (who thinks I stopped purging) and she told me I was disgusting and I "need to find a new activity". What kinda bullshit is that?! I am not doing this for fun! Its not for recreational purposes! My brain and my thoughts are poisoned and they wont stop telling me mentally and physically, GET IT OUT!

I'm so pissed, not really at my self, just to people who cant understand/ handle this aspect of my life.

All we can do is keep breathing...

Well first off, I lost 2.5 pounds today. I should be happy right? I am just so focused on the big picture that I can't be happy for such a small success. I am so far from my goal that I really wont be the least bit satisfied until I am under 200 pounds, so 93 pounds to go. I am hoping to get that off by the end of the semester, but that probably wont happen, at least not without passing out a few times. That gives me 113 days to lose 93 pounds. I bet I could do it if I get exercising, but that prolly wont happen either, I'd rather starve than exercise. Hopefully my mind will change once I get a little farther into this and I will be desperate enough to exercise again :)

Stats:

HW:305

YW:295

CW:293

1GW:200

UGW:115

Food Log:

3 cups of Special K: 360 (PIGGGG)

1/4 cup of milk: 50

Low cal hot chocolate:50
Weight watchers english muffin:100
1 cup of chicken soup:100
Weight watchers ice cream: 130
2 cups of lite popcorn:45
Total:835 (purge worthy)

This means a lot to me and people in my situation...

Please...hang in there...

Piece By Piece

I wish I could help her and take every little negative thought out of her head. But what would she be without them? Who knows because she wont let her guard down long enough to give it a try. I don’t blame her, but what does she expect from all of this? Is it ever worth it? Does the satisfaction she gets ever make it alright to her? I think she is just lost. She took way to many wrong turns even when people were pulling her towards the light. She sprinted away and dug herself a hole to hide in. Just when I thought it was all in her hands, I realized she was not alone. There were two sets of footsteps on the dark distant path. She didn’t even dig the hole, she just feel into, hard. She is there now, and how is she going to get out. No one can really help her when her guest has tied anchors to her hands and feet. She has to coerce it to let her stop gasping for breathe and finally find her way. We are left to watch and wonder and do the last thing she wants, take pity on what’s left of her soul. But that is that and she is not her and I am not this disease.

Save me!

I felt really faint all day (prolly cause i stopped taking my meds) and I ate more :(

Im at 900 calories for the day!

WTF!!!!

Im seriously gunna cry. I can't purge though, I'll just feel even more sick. I guess its technically not a binge, but it sure as hell sucks. I guess it the first day so its a hard transition and my stomach is still shrinking, but its so upsetting. I NEED to prove to myself that I can succeed at restricting. It feels like life or death to me...

pretty.pretty.pretty.

The Song That Explains Me and MY ED

Turn it off- Paramore

I scraped my knees while I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven
Seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything
Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

The tragedy, it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking shortcuts and false solutions
Just to come out the hero

Well, I can see behind the curtain
(I can see it now)
The wheels are cranking, turning
It's all wrong, the way we're working
Towards a goal that's non-existent
It's not existent, but we just keep believing

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off
Just turn it off
Again, again, again

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

Beauty

First day of binge free, Restriction February

I am getting back on track and eliminating bingeing from my life.

I am starting to shrink my stomach this week and hopefully have a month of restriction.

Today I am allowing 750 calories, because I have been used to bingeing all the time lately.

Then the rest of the month it is 500 calories or below! 

I cant go as low as I would like (i.e. 250 cal a day) because I need to work on my school work and go to class and drive, so I have to eat enough that I wont be too dizzy. That's my biggest downfall.

Today I have eaten:

Jello Mousse (sugar free): 60 cal
Organic popcorn: 130 cal
Low cal hot chocolate: 50 cal
6 ounces roasted chicken: 300 cal (KILL ME)
Weight watchers Ice cream sandwich: 130 (OMFG)

total: 670

I feel like a PIG. I ate so many sweets, its like having a mini binge :( But I still am under my goal of 750 and its SO HARD to go from binge/purge to restricting, so as long as I can fast through the night, I am semi-satisfied.

The Ideal 

the most perfect space one can achieve is the gap between your thighs

Hello World, Brave Girl Eating here...

So, you found me. You found me in a hole I have buried myself in. This hole is deep and dark and a secret... At least it use to be.

I grew up in a house with a family with friends and with food. Why did I get into this complicated relationship with all of them. I DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS. It chose me.

It snatched me up from the once solid ground I stood on. It turned me upside down and kept shaking and shaking until all the pieces came falling down.

I guess it started when I was 12. I was sitting in homeroom on the first day of the 7th grade, looking around at all these beautiful happy young girls prancing around the room and something inside me clicked. I realized I was different. I didn't look like any of them, I was fat.

I don't know what happened from there. Its hard to explain. At first I sat and ate in self pity until my heart and my stomach were about to burst. Then one day I just quit eating all together. I started by counting calories, never more than 350 a day was acceptable. Then it was carbs, never more than 50 carbs a day was acceptable. Then it was crunches, never less than 500 was acceptable. Limit after limit and rule after rule, and then FINALLY I started to see progress. I dropped 50 pounds between the 7th and 8th grade and I felt better, but I was never truly satisfied.

My weight went up and down between 200-140 pounds at a height of only 5'2. Never able to control my drastic swings from restricting to bingeing. At this point I was pretty much locked away in my room every day after school weighing myself 10 times a day praying the number would drop (literally). I didn't care if I was blacking out, fainting, or having heart palpitations, that number meant the world to me and I would fight myself to the death to get there.

Eventually I became run down, depressed, sick of being so manipulative, I couldn't stand being me. I quit restricting all together and floated my way on up to 300 pounds. How does that happen you may ask... I have no idea.

Two years passed of careless binges and complete ignorance and I ended up in college some how. Maintaing the gargantuous sum of weight, but always keep the past close to the front of my thoughts. I knew it was only a matter of time before the bomb would go off and my world would come crashing down to the feet of my eating disorder.

Summer 2010 came and I started a "lifestyle change" and tried to get my excess weight off and maybe live a normal life. I was wrong. First I was allowed 1500 cal a day, then 1000 cal a day, then 500 cal, then 300 cal, then just water. It worked! I was finally back in my ED mode and I could do this thing all over again. I lost 60 pounds in 2 months, but even a pound a day was not satisfying.

This is were it gets rough. It was a typical day, woke up went to therapy (for OCD), started to drive home and then I suddenly found myself in a Dunkin Doughnuts parking lot. Unfamiliar territory for the past few months. I  walked in, handed the women a 10 dollar bill, and asked her how many doughnuts I could get for that. I took the box home sat on the couch and stared intently into what looked the my arch nemesis. I was right, I closed my eyes and hoped it would happen quickly and I wouldn't feel any pain, but I was so wrong. The sugary sweets bore a hole in my stomach and my eyes teared up as I kept making the motions of lifting my hand to my mouth. By the time I opened my eyes to look at the damage I'd caused, I knew I had to do something about this. I bolted for the bathroom door and crouched down as quickly as I could once I had arrived at my destination. You might know what happens from here...

The pattern became a never ending circle, restrict, binge, purge. I realized there was no way I could continue on with College, and I decided to take the semester off. I got the guts to tell my therapist, my family, and my best friend what was going on, but what could they do? What could I even do?

I went to a residential program for 3 weeks, I learned to accept that I have an eating disorder. In my case Bulimia Nervosa because I binge/purge/restrict, and I no longer get my period. This was helpful to get me stable for awhile but it was not enough to fix me up.

I made it through the holidays (barely) purging my guts out and hiding like a mouse, extremely paranoid that everyone knew exactly what was up, my secret was no longer burning inside me like I wanted it to. I lied to EVERYONE including myself saying I'm fine, can't believe I am feeling better, etc.

Now I am here. Where is that? I'm not entirely sure. I told  my therapist today that I wasn't being completely honest always avoiding the topic of my ED in therapy being all smiles about life. I feel like I trapped in my body and my mind. I just want to be rail thin and I will be happy, but will I ever be satisfied? I don't know. All I know is my past and that I wanna be back to restricting, NO bingeing and no purging. Nothing else matters.

As Kate Moss once said:


NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS SKINNY FEELS.