Friday, February 11, 2011

Here I go again

I officially withdrew from school...

It was really hard to do, but I need help to get better, I don't think I am ready to die yet.

I was denied from one treatment center because they were only taking anorexic girls at that time (bullshit).

I am going back to the same place I went in November. I cant believe how much worse I am now. Then I was purging 3 times a week, and restricting pretty frequently, still a happy girl.

NOW, I am miserable, scared of eating in front of people, purging about 8 times a day, bingeing about 4 times a week, and having massive anxiety attacks.

I don't know what they are going to say when I go back for evaluation. Last time I went back they were kinda made because  back in November I pulled out of treatment and quit. This time are they going to take me seriously? Will they even take me back? I am so desperate and I feel like I am screaming and everyone is walking by me like they cant hear a single thing. I am really going to have to prove my case. I hate having to convince people I am mentally ill, it disgusts me. I wish there was just a blood test for it that would just come "yep, she is in fact insane" that would make it a hell of a lot easier. Instead I am stuck going into every intimate corner of my mind with a stranger and pleading that they will lock me up in there asylum with the other girls who are terrified of food and what it does to them mentally and physically.

I hope the don't make me plead. I hope they take me the way I am and I don't get more sick again. I can't take anymore, this has officially destroyed my life.

Heres a beautiful song :

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