Monday, January 31, 2011

Hello World, Brave Girl Eating here...

So, you found me. You found me in a hole I have buried myself in. This hole is deep and dark and a secret... At least it use to be.

I grew up in a house with a family with friends and with food. Why did I get into this complicated relationship with all of them. I DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS. It chose me.

It snatched me up from the once solid ground I stood on. It turned me upside down and kept shaking and shaking until all the pieces came falling down.

I guess it started when I was 12. I was sitting in homeroom on the first day of the 7th grade, looking around at all these beautiful happy young girls prancing around the room and something inside me clicked. I realized I was different. I didn't look like any of them, I was fat.

I don't know what happened from there. Its hard to explain. At first I sat and ate in self pity until my heart and my stomach were about to burst. Then one day I just quit eating all together. I started by counting calories, never more than 350 a day was acceptable. Then it was carbs, never more than 50 carbs a day was acceptable. Then it was crunches, never less than 500 was acceptable. Limit after limit and rule after rule, and then FINALLY I started to see progress. I dropped 50 pounds between the 7th and 8th grade and I felt better, but I was never truly satisfied.

My weight went up and down between 200-140 pounds at a height of only 5'2. Never able to control my drastic swings from restricting to bingeing. At this point I was pretty much locked away in my room every day after school weighing myself 10 times a day praying the number would drop (literally). I didn't care if I was blacking out, fainting, or having heart palpitations, that number meant the world to me and I would fight myself to the death to get there.

Eventually I became run down, depressed, sick of being so manipulative, I couldn't stand being me. I quit restricting all together and floated my way on up to 300 pounds. How does that happen you may ask... I have no idea.

Two years passed of careless binges and complete ignorance and I ended up in college some how. Maintaing the gargantuous sum of weight, but always keep the past close to the front of my thoughts. I knew it was only a matter of time before the bomb would go off and my world would come crashing down to the feet of my eating disorder.

Summer 2010 came and I started a "lifestyle change" and tried to get my excess weight off and maybe live a normal life. I was wrong. First I was allowed 1500 cal a day, then 1000 cal a day, then 500 cal, then 300 cal, then just water. It worked! I was finally back in my ED mode and I could do this thing all over again. I lost 60 pounds in 2 months, but even a pound a day was not satisfying.

This is were it gets rough. It was a typical day, woke up went to therapy (for OCD), started to drive home and then I suddenly found myself in a Dunkin Doughnuts parking lot. Unfamiliar territory for the past few months. I  walked in, handed the women a 10 dollar bill, and asked her how many doughnuts I could get for that. I took the box home sat on the couch and stared intently into what looked the my arch nemesis. I was right, I closed my eyes and hoped it would happen quickly and I wouldn't feel any pain, but I was so wrong. The sugary sweets bore a hole in my stomach and my eyes teared up as I kept making the motions of lifting my hand to my mouth. By the time I opened my eyes to look at the damage I'd caused, I knew I had to do something about this. I bolted for the bathroom door and crouched down as quickly as I could once I had arrived at my destination. You might know what happens from here...

The pattern became a never ending circle, restrict, binge, purge. I realized there was no way I could continue on with College, and I decided to take the semester off. I got the guts to tell my therapist, my family, and my best friend what was going on, but what could they do? What could I even do?

I went to a residential program for 3 weeks, I learned to accept that I have an eating disorder. In my case Bulimia Nervosa because I binge/purge/restrict, and I no longer get my period. This was helpful to get me stable for awhile but it was not enough to fix me up.

I made it through the holidays (barely) purging my guts out and hiding like a mouse, extremely paranoid that everyone knew exactly what was up, my secret was no longer burning inside me like I wanted it to. I lied to EVERYONE including myself saying I'm fine, can't believe I am feeling better, etc.

Now I am here. Where is that? I'm not entirely sure. I told  my therapist today that I wasn't being completely honest always avoiding the topic of my ED in therapy being all smiles about life. I feel like I trapped in my body and my mind. I just want to be rail thin and I will be happy, but will I ever be satisfied? I don't know. All I know is my past and that I wanna be back to restricting, NO bingeing and no purging. Nothing else matters.

As Kate Moss once said:


1 comment:

  1. This post just breaks my heart for you. You certainly are very brave, and I'm sorry that you have felt so much pain in your short life. Eating disorders are devastating. I hope that you can find some peace and healing.