Saturday, February 12, 2011
I'm scared...
I don't want this to kill me. I hope I get into treatment no problems. This week will be life changing.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Here I go again
I officially withdrew from school...
It was really hard to do, but I need help to get better, I don't think I am ready to die yet.
I was denied from one treatment center because they were only taking anorexic girls at that time (bullshit).
I am going back to the same place I went in November. I cant believe how much worse I am now. Then I was purging 3 times a week, and restricting pretty frequently, still a happy girl.
NOW, I am miserable, scared of eating in front of people, purging about 8 times a day, bingeing about 4 times a week, and having massive anxiety attacks.
I don't know what they are going to say when I go back for evaluation. Last time I went back they were kinda made because back in November I pulled out of treatment and quit. This time are they going to take me seriously? Will they even take me back? I am so desperate and I feel like I am screaming and everyone is walking by me like they cant hear a single thing. I am really going to have to prove my case. I hate having to convince people I am mentally ill, it disgusts me. I wish there was just a blood test for it that would just come "yep, she is in fact insane" that would make it a hell of a lot easier. Instead I am stuck going into every intimate corner of my mind with a stranger and pleading that they will lock me up in there asylum with the other girls who are terrified of food and what it does to them mentally and physically.
I hope the don't make me plead. I hope they take me the way I am and I don't get more sick again. I can't take anymore, this has officially destroyed my life.
Heres a beautiful song :
It was really hard to do, but I need help to get better, I don't think I am ready to die yet.
I was denied from one treatment center because they were only taking anorexic girls at that time (bullshit).
I am going back to the same place I went in November. I cant believe how much worse I am now. Then I was purging 3 times a week, and restricting pretty frequently, still a happy girl.
NOW, I am miserable, scared of eating in front of people, purging about 8 times a day, bingeing about 4 times a week, and having massive anxiety attacks.
I don't know what they are going to say when I go back for evaluation. Last time I went back they were kinda made because back in November I pulled out of treatment and quit. This time are they going to take me seriously? Will they even take me back? I am so desperate and I feel like I am screaming and everyone is walking by me like they cant hear a single thing. I am really going to have to prove my case. I hate having to convince people I am mentally ill, it disgusts me. I wish there was just a blood test for it that would just come "yep, she is in fact insane" that would make it a hell of a lot easier. Instead I am stuck going into every intimate corner of my mind with a stranger and pleading that they will lock me up in there asylum with the other girls who are terrified of food and what it does to them mentally and physically.
I hope the don't make me plead. I hope they take me the way I am and I don't get more sick again. I can't take anymore, this has officially destroyed my life.
Heres a beautiful song :
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
I just want to be perfect...
My life is moving in a downward spiral. I am barely even losing weight. I have lost all my goals in life and nothing else matters; I just want to be thin.
The behaviors get me through the day, the thoughts keep the bad stuff away. I am completely consumed by this.
On that note, I guess I am dropping out or school for now and I am going to get treatment. I am looking at 2 places and I hope my insurance will cover one of them. I am so worried I will be stuck like this forever.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Treatment?
My therapist told me today to go to treatment ASAP. She wants me in one for like 6 months, but I dont think insurance would cover that...
I might try the 4-6 week program again...
I really want to stop b/p, but I only want to learn to prefect my restricting.
I think she is most disturb about my thoughts and not my actions.
I think I want to go, but I just started school again and I paid for classes and Ill lose that money. I hope my parents take this seriously and realize my life is more important.
I feel upset... Im going to go purge
Bye
I might try the 4-6 week program again...
I really want to stop b/p, but I only want to learn to prefect my restricting.
I think she is most disturb about my thoughts and not my actions.
I think I want to go, but I just started school again and I paid for classes and Ill lose that money. I hope my parents take this seriously and realize my life is more important.
I feel upset... Im going to go purge
Bye
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Its a new day...i guess
I lost that extra pound, so I am back down to 291.5. yay?? (not so much)
I don't really know what to say. I am sick of food and eating and bingeing and purging and failing at restricting and life in general.
Ok thats all for now...
Stats:
hw:305
lw:145
yw:292.5
cw:291.5
Food log:
30 tortilinis:290
I don't really know what to say. I am sick of food and eating and bingeing and purging and failing at restricting and life in general.
Ok thats all for now...
Stats:
hw:305
lw:145
yw:292.5
cw:291.5
Food log:
30 tortilinis:290
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Seriously....
I fucking gained a pound and a half?!?! I can't believe this! Oh wait actually I can, I am just upset. I keep restricting all day, then at night I start to eat to much. Not quite binging, bu eating enough to ruin my restriction. I had pasta and frosting last night and I couldn't purge. My parents were home and I got to nervous, and now
look! Up 1.5 disgusting pounds :(
Well I guess today is a new day and I can start over, but it's the first week and I already keep messing up. God I have no self control! That is why I am doing this. Yes, I want to be thin, but I really want to show myself that I have self control and will power and I don't need food to survive. I know it's messed up, but I never said I was normal.
Now I am going to try and survive the day on 3 granola bars. Shouldn't be so bad.
Stats:
hw:305
lw:145
yw:291
cw:292.5 killllll meeeee
gw1:199
ugw:115
food log:
1 brownie granola bar:120
look! Up 1.5 disgusting pounds :(
Well I guess today is a new day and I can start over, but it's the first week and I already keep messing up. God I have no self control! That is why I am doing this. Yes, I want to be thin, but I really want to show myself that I have self control and will power and I don't need food to survive. I know it's messed up, but I never said I was normal.
Now I am going to try and survive the day on 3 granola bars. Shouldn't be so bad.
Stats:
hw:305
lw:145
yw:291
cw:292.5 killllll meeeee
gw1:199
ugw:115
food log:
1 brownie granola bar:120
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