Piece By Piece

I wish I could help her and take every little negative thought out of her head. But what would she be without them? Who knows because she wont let her guard down long enough to give it a try. I don’t blame her, but what does she expect from all of this? Is it ever worth it? Does the satisfaction she gets ever make it alright to her? I think she is just lost. She took way to many wrong turns even when people were pulling her towards the light. She sprinted away and dug herself a hole to hide in. Just when I thought it was all in her hands, I realized she was not alone. There were two sets of footsteps on the dark distant path. She didn’t even dig the hole, she just feel into, hard. She is there now, and how is she going to get out. No one can really help her when her guest has tied anchors to her hands and feet. She has to coerce it to let her stop gasping for breathe and finally find her way. We are left to watch and wonder and do the last thing she wants, take pity on what’s left of her soul. But that is that and she is not her and I am not this disease.

Save me!

I felt really faint all day (prolly cause i stopped taking my meds) and I ate more :(

Im at 900 calories for the day!

WTF!!!!

Im seriously gunna cry. I can't purge though, I'll just feel even more sick. I guess its technically not a binge, but it sure as hell sucks. I guess it the first day so its a hard transition and my stomach is still shrinking, but its so upsetting. I NEED to prove to myself that I can succeed at restricting. It feels like life or death to me...

pretty.pretty.pretty.

The Song That Explains Me and MY ED

Turn it off- Paramore

I scraped my knees while I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven
Seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything
Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

The tragedy, it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking shortcuts and false solutions
Just to come out the hero

Well, I can see behind the curtain
(I can see it now)
The wheels are cranking, turning
It's all wrong, the way we're working
Towards a goal that's non-existent
It's not existent, but we just keep believing

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off
Just turn it off
Again, again, again

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

Beauty

First day of binge free, Restriction February

I am getting back on track and eliminating bingeing from my life.

I am starting to shrink my stomach this week and hopefully have a month of restriction.

Today I am allowing 750 calories, because I have been used to bingeing all the time lately.

Then the rest of the month it is 500 calories or below! 

I cant go as low as I would like (i.e. 250 cal a day) because I need to work on my school work and go to class and drive, so I have to eat enough that I wont be too dizzy. That's my biggest downfall.

Today I have eaten:

Jello Mousse (sugar free): 60 cal
Organic popcorn: 130 cal
Low cal hot chocolate: 50 cal
6 ounces roasted chicken: 300 cal (KILL ME)
Weight watchers Ice cream sandwich: 130 (OMFG)

total: 670

I feel like a PIG. I ate so many sweets, its like having a mini binge :( But I still am under my goal of 750 and its SO HARD to go from binge/purge to restricting, so as long as I can fast through the night, I am semi-satisfied.

The Ideal 

the most perfect space one can achieve is the gap between your thighs