update

I have come a long way in a year. I have been consistently in and out of treatment, but as of this winter I am back in school! I am studying art therapy and rebuilding my life. I am still very much so in the recovery process, but its amazing how much I have been through in the past year. I am creating an art therapy blog where different people I know from treatment will be anonymously contributing stories, poems, journel entires, art work, etc. I will post it here soon.

Stay strong and remember it is National Eating Disorder Week! "Everybody knows somebody" just look around. you are not alone, there is help and caring people.

I'm scared...

I don't want this to kill me. I hope I get into treatment no problems. This week will be life changing.

Here I go again

I officially withdrew from school...

It was really hard to do, but I need help to get better, I don't think I am ready to die yet.

I was denied from one treatment center because they were only taking anorexic girls at that time (bullshit).

I am going back to the same place I went in November. I cant believe how much worse I am now. Then I was purging 3 times a week, and restricting pretty frequently, still a happy girl.

NOW, I am miserable, scared of eating in front of people, purging about 8 times a day, bingeing about 4 times a week, and having massive anxiety attacks.

I don't know what they are going to say when I go back for evaluation. Last time I went back they were kinda made because  back in November I pulled out of treatment and quit. This time are they going to take me seriously? Will they even take me back? I am so desperate and I feel like I am screaming and everyone is walking by me like they cant hear a single thing. I am really going to have to prove my case. I hate having to convince people I am mentally ill, it disgusts me. I wish there was just a blood test for it that would just come "yep, she is in fact insane" that would make it a hell of a lot easier. Instead I am stuck going into every intimate corner of my mind with a stranger and pleading that they will lock me up in there asylum with the other girls who are terrified of food and what it does to them mentally and physically.

I hope the don't make me plead. I hope they take me the way I am and I don't get more sick again. I can't take anymore, this has officially destroyed my life.

Heres a beautiful song :

I just want to be perfect...

My life is moving in a downward spiral. I am barely even losing weight. I have lost all my goals in life and nothing else matters; I just want to be thin. 

The behaviors get me through the day, the thoughts keep the bad stuff away. I am completely consumed by this. 

On that note, I guess I am dropping out or school for now and I am going to get treatment. I am looking at 2 places and I hope my insurance will cover one of them. I am so worried I will be stuck like this forever. 

Treatment?

My therapist told me today to go to treatment ASAP. She wants me in one for like 6 months, but I dont think insurance would cover that...
I might try the 4-6 week program again...
I really want to stop b/p, but I only want to learn to prefect my restricting.
I think she is most disturb about my thoughts and not my actions.


I think I want to go, but I just started school again and I paid for classes and Ill lose that money. I hope my parents take this seriously and realize my life is more important.

I feel upset... Im going to go purge

Bye

Its a new day...i guess

I lost that extra pound, so I am back down to 291.5. yay?? (not so much)
I don't really know what to say. I am sick of food and eating and bingeing and purging and failing at restricting and life in general.

Ok thats all for now...

Stats:
hw:305
lw:145
yw:292.5
cw:291.5

Food log:
30 tortilinis:290

YIKES

My heart is racing so fast when I try and purge lately, its making me nervous...